my last week home

it has been too long since i have graced this http address with my presence. but i can explain my absence.

i was at my home in maryland for a full week. a week that i have allocated for myself to spend time away from the tedious hours of 9 to 5 office work, away from the loud, unforgiving movements of new york city. a week to spend reflecting on my summer, making some last minute memories with close friends, and appreciating having a mother clean up after my thoughtless messes. a week for myself and myself only.

you never do realize what you have until it is gone. and although as trite as that statement may seem, it speaks volumes about my grappling with the gentle suburbia that i have come to love as my childhood home. for so many years, i have taken 'life' for granted--the roads i have driven countless times to get to school, the unkempt condition of my strewn bed sheets, the aroma of my basement (thanks to mom, who had purchased one of those scent-releasing device that plugs into the outlet), the clean bathroom sink (free of dried toothpaste goo), my friends who are only phone calls away--anything and everything that i have ever done while growing up in north potomac, maryland.

and at the time i didn't realize there would come a time that i would have to leave. of course i knew it would come, like a child's blind faith that after each night the sun will rise. but i did not know the ramifications of actually leaving, becoming my own individual, making my own decisions (and mistakes), and ultimately pursuing my own interests as a person. i hadn't ever thought about the emotions that it entailed or the painful yearning of something that has already long gone. now that i am finally experiencing it, i cannot say that leaving the nest rests well in my heart.

for me, leaving for college last year is the rough draft, the careless, cursory moving away from home. i went through the motions and said my goodbyes, but with the comfort and knowledge i will see everyone again. but this time around, i am certain that i won't see some people, just because they won't come back to maryland, our home base, so to speak. this is real. everybody will be off pursuing their own thing. it makes me understand how uncertain the future is, how we never know what will happen to all of us in five or ten years.

is being an adult all that i had expected as a child? i remember always wanting to grow up, so i can buy my first pack of cigarettes or my first penthouse forum (i have yet to do that...) or to see rated r movies or to carry a fake id confidently. or to just be my own person, to follow principles and morals completely different from my parents. to make my own mistakes and to be able to call something completely my own, whether it be a creation or just something that i stuck my name on. am i ready to take on the world? or to just survive, living in new york? we shall see what the future holds in the upcoming year.

so i am finally leaving my home. and that house i will refer to as 'my parents house'. and my new home will be the apartment nestled on the corner of union square. and here i am, all grown up.

-andy